I love you Berry

Unbearable emptiness. Last night (30/11/11) died my best friend in the world. Red, English Cocker Spaniel Berry. He was 15 years old. He died of old age, but this is not easier. Don't know how to survive. I regret about so many things. In truth, I left so many times when he wanted to go with me and looked at the track, I have been rough sometimes ... and it was so easy to make him happy. Take a walk, hug, caress, feed, play ... He was always so happy to see me. Real friend. He does not care who I am, good, bad , successful or not. A special relationship where words are not needed. And now I sit and stroke imaginary Berry. We met when both were puppies. I 7 years old, he was 7 months old, and since then he always been with me. Always. He always felt me and I felt him. Last year or two he began to fade, almost lost his hearing, eyesight, began to lose weight. He died in my arms. And the last 2 days he couldn't get up, didn't drink didn't eat, and the worst thing about this is that you can't change it, stop it, can't help and must accept it. No one will replace him, because it was a special dog, my most nearest creature in the world, my dear friend. My friend. But even at death's door when I stroked him and spoke to him he slightly wagged his little tail, still recognizing me and even comforted with it. He loved to eat and died hungry. He just couldn't eat. Couldn't even open the mouth. I ran to him, checked every second and that's when I went to check again, I noticed that his front paws twitching, I began to touch it, stroke him and I felt each of his shudder through myself as electroshock.
 Then he stretched out, as usual dogs stretch after a nap, stretched out his legs and neck, very strongly, even opened his mouth, stood for a moment and completely relaxed. His heart was very strong, continued to beat more long, but he was already dead. What was that? He felt hurt? Or so it was supposed to be? I didn't want him to feel pain. And I don't know that now. Where is he? Where they all after death? Who knows? He feels good? Who or what he is now? I just want him to be happy and continued to live. I very badly want to meet him again. 
Berry I miss you so much. I love you forever and ever my lovely little dog, my ray of light, my best friend and much much more

Mr. Berry, beautiful wayward creature so soft and always in a good spirit.

 my dog is dying. I don't know why I write this, just kind of frustrating. He is an old, very old. 17 years. hardly standing on his feet, actually blind and deaf. and I just can't put to sleep /put to death.
yes he is suffering but I'm just have no right. only if he could ask for ... we are together since both were puppies, and I swear it's the best and faithful friend.
creature does not conscious but is able to feel even when all the physical senses surrendered. I see his hurt, he breathes heavily but I can't help. only stroke him, remind how much I love him what a good friend he is, and apologize if I was not careful enough and sometimes does not fair. Recent years, when I am began to realize that he will die soon, I began to appreciate every millisecond, I was so happy to him, and he to me.
I really do want that he turned back into a puppy or just was young and full of energy. my good old buddy, he was always with me. I didn't choose him, he didn't choose me, it just happened. and no matter what a bitch I am sometimes, and no matter how successful or loser I am, he has never left me. He always, I swear he was always with me, he was always so happy to see me.  it's so easy to make him happy. and even now, he is at death's door, but when I touch him he slightly wags his tail. My lovely little dog. Now I'll be completely alone in this hole and nothing holds me. pick up the last anchor. if you believe in reincarnation then is easier. then you might think that he finally leaving Hell that named Earth. and I'm asked him to give me a sign when he landed back home.
Yet he had fallen asleep and pain departed, and I hope and pray to meet him tomorrow and once again take a walk

Locks of gold hair

LOVE IS FOR THE LIVING

LIFTL

there's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
you learn to accept the person as he is. you suffer. you become enlightened.
Love is the harmony of good and evil. Love without pain is not love.
If only it were as good as we want it, then we wouldn't have desires, we wouldn't have sought to the changes, and life would be deadly boring, one-sided.
usually  evil, outweighs good, but due to this good becomes much more valuable. as museum piece, as delicacy. evil in the nature of things as a necessity, good as a gift. But unfortunately, we, are human beings, tend to take evil as an undeserved punishment and good as a tribute. Although, personally I think that we never getting more than we deserve. we are never getting more than we can bear.
 my disordered thoughts smoothly flow from wind in a net
I just know how to think, I like to think, but it is quite useless and unproductive exercise.  
Who know, may someday it at least a little will help someone to understand something important, because while reading such stream of thought you also begin to think and your brain blender begins to grind information faster, or vice versa, such porridge like a bog for your mind . 
or may someday it will help me feel better

all I know is that I know nothing (my fucking philosophy)

As for me, all I know is that I know nothing, for when I don't know what justice is, I'll hardly know whether it is a kind of virtue or not, or whether a person who has it is happy or unhappy....
I have my opinion and point of view, but even that was formed thanks to all that I heard and saw during the life.
 How many people as much opinions. Therefore should be very careful and "long-sighted" to choose the views that best for you and don't hurry with conclusions.
The world unchanged. The world is peace. The world doesn't punish us, the world doesn't make a favours for us, the world is is calm and harmonious.
 Judge for yourself! when we feel bad, when we are filled with fears, doubts, grievances, and other shit, the world - is shit. We are peer into the world of detail and of course we only see flaws.
Because we look no further than own noses. We are concentrate on ourselves and our negative feelings. We make a tragedy of broken cup and exaggerating any other things over which could bravely laugh.
And vice versa;
when we are happy, we don't pay attention to minor flaws, in fact, we even manage to find the pluses in minuses. (my god, it's really elementary, just draw to the minus one more dash)
And when we become happy? When we love, when we demand, when we realize themselves, when we have a clear dreams, when we dream about this, when we move to the target. Is it in such moments, you will say that you are cursed and doomed? (We just don't like the responsibility for own will,
and for this we always find someone to blame. Guilty may be your friend, your family, your beloved, and even life. 'Life is shit. Life is is guilty that everything bad. I nothing to do with!' isn't funny?)
When you're busy with something good for you, something that absorbs you completely, then you have no time to dig earth's core.
And now think about again,
when everything bad it is because everything actually bad, or because we see it so?
Good phrase  'if you can't change the world, change yourself', but as it turned out, the world doesn't even need to change, but to change yourself...oh  it's so hard as to change the whole world. sometimes even harder.
because each of us is a whole galaxy. I don't know the formula how to do this. I really know nothing. but I know how to think and my skill tells me that the only way to change something and achieve something, it is to want it and dream about it. ery very much. Because when you want something very very much, you immediately start looking for ways to get it. But to do all this you need only one thing:

1- to think about it

A perfect place

cold. An autumn. mud and mist. tightly dormant dried plants fill the space its prim shades
a few kids are standing in the field. Boy's eyes filled with tears, the children stood motionless.
They look at the barbed wire fence.
He blinked again...
- Why can't we go there? a fair-haired kid asked
- We just can't go. this is forbidden zone. the other fat boy said
- But there is no one! protested the girl
- We will be scold and punished if we jump over the fence. Explained perspiring of fear fat boy. He was scared. After all the horrible stories of his limited father, feeling of fear completely absorb all other feelings of interest, enthusiasm and childish passion for adventures.
Children that grow up in the working class families on the outskirts of belligerent island, impossible to meet playing with dolls, touch and run, at playgrounds etc. Only ball and wars. They don't like each other, they quietly despise their parents, they are hate war. They roam around the ruins of the abandoned, crushed houses, felled forests, burned fields.
The age of eleven they are getting ready to have sex, to smoke weed, to get drunk in the trash, fight, to have abortions, to steal, lie and even kill. They are prepared to be cool, though it is not the fact that they know that the word "cool" has two meanings.
- This is the best place I've ever seen. said fair-haired kid
- Nothing special. disagreed fatty.
- There is another sky. Clouds floating in the the opposite direction. It is here, behind a fence. began think up a girl
- I'm going. fair-haired said and started to get through the gap between bars of the fence.
- I'm with you. joined him rapturous girl
- Assholes! You will stumble on a bomb and then it will be many pieces of assholes. Ha-ha, shouted to them in the back the fat boy.
- Fence doesn't mean anything. if there is a bomb then you can stand on one of them right now. shouted a bully girl.
Fatty quickly bounced from place where he stood and began to examine the ground around him.
- The earth is soft, do you feel it? a pale boy asked on the way
- Yes, really. Look what I have. Girl pulled from a wide coat pocket some thing reminiscent of brick with a small hole and the wedge in it
- What is it? This is real? the boy stopped walk
-  I don't know. I stole the bomb from my dad
 - Want to try explode it?
At this time the fatty dared to climb over the fence and join the kids or to stay with the status of the coward and go home.
- Hey you,losers, wait for me!
- Yeah, let's try where should we ...When suddenly shout of the fat boy and inconceivable explosion behind the kids deafened them.A cloud of explosion slowly absorbed into the skies without leaving a trace.
Boy's eyes filled with tears, the children stood motionless.  They look at the barbed wire fence. 

He blinked for the first time...

when i will too

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.
Directed by Martin de Thurrah
Music by Fever Ray: feverray.com

love is...

From the future book Aslanova K. "Theories and hypotheses of relationships in practice"
...when I'm in deep shit he licks me from head to toe, and swallows it all, (and it works)
when he is in the shit I instantly doubly infected and I try to lick his brain,(Mike, does it work?) because that's where the shit comes! (We are different, but all methods are good. what can I say)
and it comes there because the first you voluntarily swallow it,
but when such things happens that you wish voluntarily take a sip of shit?
Only when you truly love someone.
When we are both in deep shit at the same time each of us realize that "Oh shit, he / she in deep shit, I'm not so important right now" and we will with lightning speed go to the shower togethermutual support it called
here is such connection
here is such closeness
here is such togetherness
here is such love...

Yellow imagination of lilac coat

- Maybe I have cancer? Or some other incurable dental disease?
She stood in the kitchen and looked at the autumn landscape of debris in her window.
- If there was cancer of stupidity you would definitely been ill, - her fussy mum said, and slammed the door. She felt as if little slippery worms had a bath in her head. They laughed and drunk champagne from crystal glasses that borrowed in the sideboard that stood in the corner of her skull. Their ties, jackets and heels were scattered all over the head. This time it was a office worker-worm, his worm-wife, and their worm-mistress. Outside the window, screamed worms-kids and all the time didn't let them concentrate on their orgasms. The dog began spinning around its own axis.
- Noooooo! Please don't! Okay, okay, let's go for a walk!
She dressed beige corduroy pants, terrible style, (which she had already more than 5 years and constantly tried to alter them, making it narrower and narrower, but style still intolerable),and stupid lilac coat, in the form of a bell.
She carried her vegetable dog outside and as long as he like frostbitten stood shaking his head  she began to watch the falling leaves. Under the feet was formed a real autumn carpet. I hate carpets.
-Lilac color is definitely in harmony with the yellow leaves, I make at least some creative effect in the world. maybe I should stay there until the wipers will sweep away the leaves? Then I'll know for sure that I must go, to another location in the search of harmony. I was born in autumn.
One leaf was falling so slowly, naturally. Waltzing in the space of earth and sky it is resignedly but proudly took its place on the carpet with its cousins. The other leaf, having made a few choleric rotations, spun around so hard that blew away itself into a puddle. Noble but nasty girl decided to help the trees to get rid of their old and not trendy attires and shook one of them thus caught under the Starfall of leaves. Actually this day girl was so bored and sad that she decided to have fun with such latest idiotic way.
The dog happily took a run and hit his head against the wall,  then stood up and ran on.
-Why are you doing this? The girl was funny and sorry for dog.
She imagined how dog turns into young puppy in a silk green scarf and leather hat with a cup of tea in the legs, coming to her, said - well, I must go, - make a curtsy, puts the pilot glasses and flies away in his doggy helicopter. She looks at the sky, wiping away the tears by one leaf of yellow carpet brotherhood and the helicopter writes in the sky "see you..."
He flies away and putting head down she sees a little piece of avian shit on her sleeve. She gazes into this picture and see how out of shit starts to grow a small narcissus flower, - Oh my god, avian shit is not a sign of money, it is a sign of flowers! Said out loud anxious girl. She hastily lifted vegetable dog and hurried home, telling him about perfect balance of yellow and lilac colours.
At home she has determined that flower grows out of her hand.In a such moments, you don't know who to call and what to say, but she began to search mobile, but returned to the kitchen where she had left a dog, was lying only green silk scarf, and in the sky was visible white stripe of helicopter.
She stared out the window when her mum came home.
- Are you still sit back? asked mum
- Mom, I'm definitely sick ...
- Oh please, just don't start over again, by the way, and where the dog?
- He flew away mum
- Sorry?
- I have something to show you
- What did you say about dog?
- Do you know any diseases when from the people grow plants?
- Sorry?
...

My romantic and broken...

i can't speak i'm so cold

but I'll come with the sun

that will never want leave you

that always so warm,

I am, and I will, I will always be here

but i can't admit that i was until,

Although was the same as before universe,

ideas and dreams, and certainly nothing

and then it was you, when nobody cares,

we doomed to love, being stuffed of laughing,

my gentleman,beast

My prudent sharp strife

before, i would sell, forego this dumb life

but now life has turned in the being of you

most precious and sacred that ever can be

my laugh and my wrists all this is for you

just take all of this, not forget super glue

my dreams, my pillow and my knees

for you my dear, my darling cheese

my walks, my cigs,an ardent temper

lie in the oven close to Pepper

behind the cupboard, after socks

my fingers hiding like a locks

my soul that always so ethereal

awaits in lumber-room of cereal

just look forward, keep spirit free

ahead where other parts of me

somewhere on bench

my kiss in  french

where sky in frame

filled of the planes

and falling stars

of coldest Mars

the dawn or dark

continue to hark

the sadness or fun

keep running to sun

that i'll bring to you

together with glue

About the pre-patriarchal model of society, And when the ancient memory supplanted into the unconscious.

This memory is the foundation of genuine ‘I am’, crushed by weight of external (foreign and surface) patriarchal values. Feminine is opposed to the masculine, as the unconscious to the rational. Feminine is infinitely, dynamic, transcendental and recondite. Being in constant formation, it avoids of the final understanding. Masculine - of course static and cognisable. Feminine is vital and creative. It is related with changeable body; naturally similar to life, which is a continuous formation by itself. It is thanks to the feminine, personality is able to feel the energy of the world, flowing from one form to another, and life-giving a body and subjects. Accordingly, even rituals, related with worship of the goddess of fertility, join the subject to the creative energy of the world, and return it to own body and genuine ‘I am’. Primordial power of being, expresses itself likewise through the person. In the values of matriarchal world is doesn't exist, the principle of authority, giving birth to the spirit of violence and rivalry. Here reigns Love, that enveloping everyone and connecting people in the organic unity, opening the possibility for genuine collaboration. In its turn, the masculine isn't hostile to human nature. Hostile only aggressive dominance in the culture. That breaks the harmony of male and female. Violation of this balance in favour of the first one once resulted to the decline of civilization and self-destruction that clearly demonstrated the world wars.

21-22-23 id like to die in agony

I will never be 21 again. 
just higher and higher. older and older. though why I'm exaggerating? I heard that up to 25 years, people continue to grow. oh please, not just in the width
several hours to 22 and I should take stock of the past year. I hate to think about it (because usually I can not remember anything good) but do it with own will
 just later something becomes clearer.
Well, let's start with the bad:
 

• during the year I didnt find a decent job for the soul
• I still live with my parents
• I head over ears in debt 
• my dog ​​is very slowly and painful dying all this year 
• I ruined my teeth, started sluggishly flowing bulimia and I'm losing hair
• I didnt finished repair in the room and my "bed" is not even similar to bed
• I forgot how to be alone 
• future still not clear and scary for me
• Now it seems to me that what I want is quite impossible, but sake fuck, I know that it only seems so
• my baby is not happy 
• I tried not good enough, I initially at 21 didnt set desired goals for the year, and now all of this helter-skelter

 And now the good side in 21:

• I threw out all the trash. I threw out everything that I do not need. not even drop of doubts nor of regrets second. and this is very ambiguously

1 - in the material sense, I really got rid of the huge amount of rubbish, even the chairs, table and  piece of the bed
2 - I got rid of friends. true. and I put it in the good side because they distracted me. to distract me, it's very easy, I like to pay attention to everything around. but with the appearance of really significant priorities, I realized how much of time (and alot of money too) I spent on all sorts of parties, clothes, booze, etc. I cant say that I dont like it. I just got tired of it. it's boring, it's very limited things. I certainly love to have fun and this is the best for today that I can do, but getting something much larger, stronger, nicer and deeper than fun you instantly discover the price of this happiness, and all becomes clear
 + You cant have many friends, usually the term "many friends" called loneliness. (Im confident that many of you know what that means), friend, he is one, and I have my friend. so what if he is also my lover!?

• I began to actively and diligently make music and the funniest thing, I see in this fraction of future
• T-shirts
• I had 2 best weeks in my life, no, better to say I had 2 weeks of life, which will soon continue, and I believe that will continue over and over again
• compared with last September I lost 10 kilograms. I'm still fat but is a little better
• I still hold on tradition to do at least one video every two months
• I realized that important thing is not to fuss and did not in a hurry. everything that is yours, it will be yours anyway. sometimes you dont even need to specially do something and do not want, and then you start to get
• simultaneously with the above, I assert that all efforts are worthwhile. if you try- everything as you want that in the end
• and the most sweetest and beautiful, I have the coolest thing in the world, in my life is love, and I'm not even going to explain anything here.

• I have desires, goals, and slowly but surely I'm coming.

 

Dear Universe let us be

To be. To be alive, to live, move and grow somehow, everything in the world in need of support. Little jolt to start
Nothing comes without the help of someone else before
To get your rum with coca visitor needs and barman
to grow a tree you need to put the seed into the ground. Even something that is not responsible for itself during the life still need to get start from someone creator.(When you make a cup of tea, you also considered the creator of this portion of the drink. All we gods for themselves)


Yes, I've got  life thanks to (By the way not sure about  thanks but still ...) parents and some higher power, but I dont mean just being a vegetable, I mean life
I mean to live. Some kind of foundation and base.
Dear Universe, my name is Karina, but you can call me Karen if is more comfortable for you, but anyway, you should know me. you has created me. so listen um motherfucker, yooiyo and check me out..hah.I'm joking dear universe, so listen, I really love you, you did a great job creating this world, but please, support it a bit.We are your creations, your children and we need your support. We fucking bacteria in the world. fleas on the back of the beast. regression.lonely and abandoned
I think that you, the universe actually a little boy who played in the creator but  couldn't breathe in the consciousness of their creations and then just gave up.but usually kids tend to grow up. Whatever it was I want to talk about myself. Yes, arrogantly and selfishly. so, I was born, had quite satisfactory childhood and my parents gave me everything they had. no matter how much. and thank you for what they had and for what I've got. But now, 21. Almost 22. but I feel like 2fucking22. and I have nothing. absolutely nothing/ im nobody actually. but I'm someone. Cuz I'm in love with such beautiful person. I'm sorry but i love him more than you. But you, dear mother nature, should be happy, I'm doing my duty. I love. And back to my monologue, I have a problems. Yeah you know about it and you let it be, but listen,I really have nothing except him, and all I want is to be with him, but to be with him, I should have cash and the possibility to move around the world. cuz he is so far, but so close to me. I don't know what I have to do. My work isn't my mission, that's why is going so bad. Actually I think my mission is to love him. Cuz I can. I'm able. I know for sure how to do it. I can make him happy and it make me  happy. so happy. Also I can do so many things but I can't found the ways how to do it, where it needed. Nevertheless I continue to do alone, and such dilettantish, amateur styles but I can do more and you know about it. I love him so much. He is my life. My everything. And i want to use all of my talents to be with him. Without termination without interruptions. Be closer, be together in our togetherness. I would  preferred to other problems instead of problems of constant insidious  distances and its such hard and expensive overcome. So please, dear universe, help me. Help me to find way out. As you see, people has made such horrible way to be (like 12hours working day, and where to find time to love, to enjoy the life? Cuz it's so hard, to find job with which you can enjoy the life) but I know, I believe, there is definitely have to be my perfect way out.  I guess you disappointed of people but please don't leave them alone. We are so vulnerable and stupid. Please, don't leave him. he is so wonderful, such talented person. Have you seen how he knows how to rejoice? Have you seen how he claps his hands? Have you seen with what interest he looks at your world? Do you know how much he hates your world? If you dear universe, one day, will take human shape and visit the Earth then let's meet and I'll tell you about him. It will take several years. he deserve for your support. He too good for this planet, too good too be your creature.  Your creatures is nothing but scavengers and crawlers. I want to make you repent. Sounds ridiculous. I know, but I'm hurt for this deserted world .We are born and we cry because we are not happy to be here. Then we enjoy some time that what we have, but then becoming unhappy. Have you noticed? Why? Is it make you happy?
Oh dear universe,
I beg you, help us to find the way to be together.
And i promise, you'll be happy to watching us.

Dear ancestors! Dear mothers and fathers! Fuck you all! Cheers!

Dear ancestors! Dear mothers and fathers! Fuck you all! Cheers!

Who fucking hell gave you the right to advise and judge us? (And by the way dear readers, don't think that this is a manifestation of my hidden childhood insults or anger, I write it all in a very ironic and a bit rebellious mood)

So, mums and dads, who gave you this shitty right, to give us, completely (judging by the experience) different generation, advice? How dare you give us advice when you're not okay? You are not diligent standard of living, and your bitter experience is not an example and instruction for others, it archives of your stupidity! Just in the majority of yours, you would like to realize your unfulfilled dreams and goals using such a little life, that you feel is your personal property and think that have rights to dispose this life as you please, as your children!!! Who told you that you know better? (Who actually decides what is right and what is not (besides us)) Your parents?Tit for tat, ha? Or how? Or do you think if you HAVE TO support us for a while, and share with us everything that you have then you have right to make decisions for us and tell us what to do? Don't forget that no one asked you and didn't force to give us birth! You call it - the responsibility, that we don't understand or don't admit, but you never hear when we tell you - this is not a manifestation of responsibility is just some silly antics! Do you think we say so only for the sake of dispute? For the sake of disagreeing? For the sake of sake? Oh yes, your precious responsibility for your creations! Yours (as many are fond of saying), unselfish, unconditional love! unconditional love? But remind from 18 years (or sooner) about how much you give to us? how it hard contain us! how many good things you do for us! How strongly deny yourself the pleasures of life for us! This is not a manifestation of conditionality? Maybe you just like to to pretend the victims, because thanks that you always have an excuse of all your failures? Your unconditional love as well as maternal instinct (which actually doesn't exist) just your stinky excuse.

How can we talk to you  if all of what you hear you say "from whom you picked up this?" or "your speech - is lost upbringing" you cannot even imagine that our words can be OUR thoughts, indeed. At the same time you (and we too btw),want to be perceived as you are. fucking ridiculous. Believe me, in this our generations the same. But only in this. 

Our generation finds drugs as a cure of this horrible form of life, from this way of life that you and your ancestors formed so many years. 

Our generation prefers anorexia as a standard of beauty, our generation have to to fuck in the stinking toilets just because we have nowhere else. 

Our generation prefers to sleep outdoors in own vomit than go back to you. Yes, our generation doesn't speak, our generation tweets. Our generation is a backlash to all your aspirations, desires, and attempts. 

Our generation is your mirror. 

Our generation is created to destroy and crush all that you have built for so long. You've reached all the best, and what's next? You have reached the maximum, you take away everything, you have lived all! and made up decorated, finished life-script for us. But you have missed and always miss one thing, the fact that we want to live in our own way. You have done everything. You didn't saved for us nor place nor imagination nor even money. Only chronic disease, robots (formerly of whom, wrote only in the books), and rotting planet filled with genetically modified food.

so what do you want from us?

Earth - the planet of losers.

But well, I'd like to give you my advice.

Go on!

Just continue to love creatures of your hands,

by your unselfish love.

more http://snd.sc/indb4i http://youtu.be/nx-tNyaBIPI on Twitpic

more http://snd.sc/indb4i http://youtu.be/nx-tNyaBIPI on Twitpic

more http://snd.sc/indb4i http://youtu.be/nx-tNyaBIPI on Twitpic

more http://snd.sc/indb4i http://youtu.be/nx-tNyaBIPI on Twitpic

we're not bothered...

sorry ryan
men's needs (the cribs cover live) by love is for the living
 

love is for the living

Success and pride! or simply - the failure

I've finished course of English. it was fun, amusing, exciting and very very helpful(as you can see below)!!!I am constantly amused my class and got the nickname "Queen of the lateness" because of the 3 months I arrived in time only one time.
 teacher said that she loves me but...

haha.yeah. so better not talk to me

my new child. have fun

The trees

i dont know why i love trees and wood so much , but it attracts me, is something very close to me
ha yes and even band name is very symbolic